Retail Hell

The Westgate Centre. There's a lot of weird shit that goes on in there. It's like a haven for bargain-hungry freaks. Everything in there is either discounted, minus that horrid 'upmarket' streetwear shop John Anthony (or as I like to call it, 'Cunt's Paradise'), or just cheap to begin with. I must say that I have never been in to Cunt's Paradise, just one look at the staff puts me right off, but my friend Matt quite enjoys going in there just to look at the customers. He plays a little game where he tries to guess who can actually afford to shop there, and who has saved up money for weeks on end. I think it's mostly the latter.

Recently they have started putting small stands set up along the centre of the main 'strip', offering sweets, calendars, Sky TV and other generally pointless toss. One stand of particular note is a hair styling company called 'Herstyler'. If I were in charge of this venture, I'd like to make sure that the people running it had made some sort of effort themselves. You really should go and have a look as this disheveled bunch of clowns. A girl who appears not only to have not brushed her hair, but the thought has clearly never crossed her mind? Check! Two effeminate 'dudes' with plasters on their faces? Check! A whole gaggle of gimps, standing to attention with hair straighteners in hand, ready to pounce on some unsuspecting chump? Check! If I was the sort of person interested in that sort of thing I'd at least expect the staff to look as if they knew what they were doing. You wouldn't trust a spotty dermatologist, would you?

Just last week, as reported in the Oxford Mail it seems as though the re-development plans have been shelved until at least 2014, as no-one has any money. This really is a massive shame as I was looking forward to this shitty monstrosity of discount tat get razed like a Vegas casino.

Back to school with you, Sonny!

'Numpty', that's a good word. It's fun to say, and it's a rather inoffensive way of calling someone a fucking moron. It's almost affectionate. It's a shame it can't be applied here though, I'm afraid something I witnessed earlier today requires a word with far more weight, disdain and cruelty.

Whilst walking through the delight that is Oxford's Westgate Centre* this morning, en route to Sainsbury's, I caught a glimpse of a particularly simple-looking man. His first mistake was wearing just a T-Shirt. It's November, it's cold, and it has also been raining. Put a fucking coat on. I think the reason behind it was probably so he could show off his shitty tribal tattoos. As our paths drew nearer, I noticed the words 'Lesbians' in large type on this T-Shirt, and naturally my interest was piqued. Above said word was written the phrase 'Dip Me In Chocolate And Feed Me To The'. This statement annoys me for a number of reasons :

1. It's not funny

2. I don't really know what he is trying to achieve by wearing it. Is it that people will read it and think 'Haha! That's pretty funny. I bet that guy's a real fucking character!', or worse still, does he think that someone will read it AND ACTUALLY MAKE IT HAPPEN?

3. It's a bit arrogant to think that he, as a man, once dipped in chocolate will suddenly become desirable to 'The Lesbians' as an entire group of people, that just because he is covered in chocolate, suddenly every one of 'The Lesbians' fancies a bit of cock.

4. It's not funny.

I've never been a big fan of 'slogan' T-Shirts (apart from my own one - wait for the public airing of that) at all. They appeal to the exact sort of people I dislike. There's quite a wide group of people I dislike by the way, and no rules as to categorize them, it's almost autocratic. Stupid shit like 'You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Aren't Talking To You', and my favourite of all time 'You Laugh At Me Because I'm Different, I Laugh at You Because You're All The Same'. I have seen at least 5 Goths wearing that T-shirt in the past 2 years, mostly when they are in a group, all dressed the same. I don't think they quite got the irony.

So, I'm still trying to come up with a word to describe this douchebag. Or I could just let it go. He's done me no harm, apart from causing me to think about something so trivial for far too long. But that's my problem, not his. If I ever see him again, I'm sure I won't recognise him. Unless he's wearing that fucking T-Shirt.

*Does anyone remember when the Westgate Centre used to be the 'nice' one, and the Clarendon Centre was the shit one? My, how times have changed. That Westgate Centre needs to step up it's game. It's all budget retailing. I'm surprised there are not more empty shops in there. One particular phenomenon I have noticed recently is the closure of one cheap bookshop, and the immediate opening of another one. They co-existed for roughly a week. Maybe it had something to do with the lighting. The original shitty bookshop was illuminated like a cave. It was horrible, dank, nasty, and the sight of a staff member sat by the door picking his nose is not very inviting. The newer one is brightly lit, and has a really, really hot girl working there. Next time you go to Sainbury's, have a look. She's not there every day so if you happen to chance upon an ugly skank, that's not her!

BIG THINGS!

Small Brown Bike are working on new material. This is extremely good news, as Small Brown Bike are fucking excellent. One of the more forward-thinking post-hardcore/emocore bands of the early 2000's, they were often mentioned alongside Hot Water Music, but whereas HWM where more straight-ahead punk Small Brown Bike had a more expansive vision. The musical progression from their early 7" releases to final album "The River Bed" is evidence of this. They sadly split at the end of 2003 at the height of their success, after receiving glowing reviews, regular rotation on MTV2 and increasingly successful tours. The last two releases, the 'Nail Yourself to the Ground' EP and 'The River Bed' are among the finest post-hardcore releases this decade, somewhat ahead of their time. Listening to 'Table For Four', there are shades of what Thrice have been trying to achieve since 2005's 'Vheissu' onwards. Check out this video

Fuck a Duck!

Holy balls. This slice of pure tight-banging gold is probably the most underrated 90's Hip-Hop tune apart from Souls of Mischief's '93 'Til Infinity'. I first heard it on a Scratch Perverts radio session in 1998, then it turned up on a Hip-Hop Don't Stop compilation. I tried to track it down for years (11 to be exact), and finally found a rapidshare link a few months ago. To say I got a boner would be somewhat of an understatement. This tune is so huge it's unbelievable. I have only managed to find this one link, which features the 'A' side to this single first. That has a pretty good beat, but the DJ Spinna mix of 'Verbalise' is the real prize. It starts at 3:36, so please listen and enjoy. It's marvellous.

Still smelling FRESH

This is fucking awesome. I've not listened to it in about 6 years. It's Lootpack, which features DJ/Producer/Genius Madlib. I'm not sure about the accompanying video, but this is the best sounding version I could find. It's off their 1999 album 'Soundpieces : Da Antidote'

The height of laziness

I like a nice cup of tea, most people I know do. Most people I know who make tea will dispose of a used tea bag in it's rightful place - the BIN. Unfortunately the people I work with do not fall into this category. They also seem to have a great deal of trouble with the milk. If you take the milk out of the fridge, surely you'd put it back in afterwards? Or, in one particular case, if someone has left the milk out of the fridge and you make yourself a tea, would you not then put it back where it belongs? No. If you're this particular person you'd put it back where you found it. You might then get asked by somebody WHY you haven't put the milk back in the fridge, only to respond 'I didn't take it out. I was just putting it back where I got it from'. WHERE'S YOUR FUCKING COMMON SENSE!?!

Most of the kitchens I have ever been in tend to contain the both a sink and a bin, normally located fairly near to each other, in close proximity to the kettle. I'd hazard a guess that the average distance between sink and bin is somewhere around a metre. In some cases, like my house, the bin is closer to the kettle than the sink. I would imagine that this has somehow evolved over time since the introduction of the electric kettle.

It really amazes me how lazy some people can be. I will freely admit that I am not the most dynamic person you'll ever meet, but you'll never catch me leaving a tea bag in the sink. It's just fucking nasty.

THE HOTTEST SHIT AROUND!

They're back with a new album, 'Geneva' just 18 months since the last one. That's right, suckers. It's everyone's favourite instrumental 3-piece from Chicago, Russian Circles. It's heavier than 'Station', more melodic than 'Enter', it's their best work to date. Bassist Brian Cook (he of Botch and These Arms Are Snakes fame) commands a solid groove throughout the album, most notably on the title track where his pulsating rhythm fights against Dave Turncrantz's tribal drumming, creating an aura of tension before Mike Sullivan enters with some lush spidery guitar. The musicianship on this record is simply stunning, not that it ever takes focus away from the album as a whole. Post-Rock/Post-Metal/Instrumental Rock/Whatever you want to call it can be a tricky beast; songs have a tendency to drag on, losing the listener's attention. Thankfully Russian Circles manage to avoid this through the taut discipline of their songwriting. There's not a single passage that outstays its welcome.